My single biggest fear now - Miscarriage

I am so sad now. I've just been to my regular baby forum, Babycentre, and a member just posted that she'd miscarried at 10 weeks. I had tears in my eyes reading her post and I wrote her a note, but I didn't really know what to write to comfort her. What do I say? "I'm sorry for your loss" ? As if those words could help. I can imagine just how she feels because I too have a fear of that happening to me and I know that if that should happen, no words would ever comfort me. This is my single biggest fear at the moment, displacing cockroaches which have reigned at the top of my all-time Fear List since I was old enough to walk.

I am 6 weeks pregnant, it's early days yet and I have to admit the thoughts of a miscarriage are never far away. I often dream of bleeding and wake up frozen with fear. I did a check on miscarriages on the Babycentre site and it is estimated that 15% of women will miscarry and 98% of those who do will lose their baby in the first 13 weeks. This is the reason why I haven't really told many people about this pregnancy. You might think it's silly not to tell when I keep a public blog but you see.. this blog is for me to pen down my thoughts and most of my friends in real life don't know yet about this blog. Except two and I've known them all my life. :))

This is a list of risks that could make you more likely to miscarry:

• if you smoke
• if you have a high caffeine intake
• if you drink a lot of alcohol
• have had miscarriages
• have fibroids or an abnormally shaped uterus
• have lupus
• have diabetes, kidney disease or thyroid disease
• had an infection early in pregnancy e.g. rubella
• are an older mum. (Erm.. that's me since I'm over 30. Sigh)

One sentence didn't seem particularly comforting - "Even healthy young women with no known risk factors can miscarry." WTF??? That's not what I want to hear! What I want to hear is "We know what you should do so that you carry your baby to full term"!!! You could look upon miscarriage as nature's way of ensuring that only the fittest survive but that is scarcely comforting words for a mother to hear especially if it's her first pregnancy and she really, really wants the baby.

So how would you know if you're miscarrying? Well, if you're having period-like cramps and you're bleeding heavily, that's one of the signs. If you notice spotting on your knickers or on the toilet tissue, call your doctor. According to the article, it's a fairly common occurence but call your doctor anyway. Better be paranoid than sorry, I think.

The good news is that most women are able to get pregnant again after a miscarriage and carry their baby to full-term. Erm, that is nice to know that you can try again but even this isn't really comforting enough when you miscarry. All you're thinking of is your baby.

I'm trying to be positive, chill out and not stress myself out over this, do things like visualise a safe pregnancy and a happy, healthy baby to hold at the end of it all but I can't rid myself of the image of bloodstains and tears. Everytime I go to the loo, I squeeze my eyes shut for a little bit and say a little prayer before I peek at the toilet tissue. I have a little heart attack every day over this and I'll probably go on having them until Little Monkey is born.

For J, what can I say... sorry isn't really the word for times like these. You are in our thoughts and in our prayers. (((((((((((((((((( HUGS )))))))))))))))))